It's Just Too Much!

I think that the first night I am actually able to sleep 8 hours uninterrupted I'm going to die of shock.  If it's not one child waking me up, it's the other.  Tristan has always been a good sleeper but for the past week he has woken up every single night around 3-4 in the morning.... and man is it wearing me down!  He's in a toddler bed now so it's not just crying, it's pounding on the door and crying, and then he falls asleep on the floor *sigh*  It's heartbreaking but frustrating at the same time, hopefully this "phase" is over with soon so I can cut back on the under-eye concealer.

Despite the lack of sleep though I have to say I've been fealing pretty good lately!  I have drastically cut back on the amount of meat we eat, and once our freezer is cleaned out I am done with that (except for perhaps holidays or dinners at friends houses.... I haven't quite decided what to do with that).  I've been making myself green smoothies in the morning and I make a big snack plate for Tristan and I to munch on throughout the day with fruits and nuts on it, it's so much easier to avoid temptation when there is something healthy already there waiting to be eaten.  I've given up dairy because I had a hunch that it was the source of Gabe's fussiness, and he's been a completely different baby, so thank goodness for finding the cause of that!  I miss cheese though... oh how I miss cheese.  I cheated at dinner the other night and had a gassy, crabby baby because of it yesterday, so for all of our sakes I'd better be more dilligent with that.

Well I still hear Tristan pounding on his door so I'd better go rescue him...

There really isn't enough time in the day when you have two children.  And I think I lost the ability to form coherent sentences when Gabe was born... any time I think that I would like to post something the words somehow do not come together.

I'm feeling really positive these days, I've made some good changes in my life that are starting to come together and it seems the pieces of the my life's puzzle are coming together.

I've really been focusing on food a lot lately and have been working on going mostly vegetarian (much to Nick's chagrin).  I've got a few "rules" both for health and from an environmental standpoint we have chosen that any meat or dairy consumed in our home will be organic, free-range, and hormone and antibiotic free.  Obviously organic meat is incredibly expensive so that in itself will limit how much we consume.  One of my goals has always been to support local farmers as much as possible so I'm happy with the choices that we've made.  Since becoming a SAHM I have eliminated most processed foods from our diet and I'll continue on that path.

Nick and I have been putting a lot of thought and effort into our finances and we're both feeling really good about where we stand and about our decisions.  It's hard to look back and realize that you've made a lot of foolish decisions in the past, but we're back on track.  Considering we've gotten married, built two houses, and had two kids within the past 2 1/2 years I think we're doing pretty good.  We're trying not to beat ourselves up about the past and just look forward to the future.

I feel like I got a bit lazy while I was pregnant and wasn't focusing on being as green as I'd like to be so I'm focusing on that more.  As I use things up in the home (cleaners & personal hygiene products), I'm starting to make my own "green" products.  It's important for me that I make them myself as opposed to buying them because I'm really trying to rely less on consumer goods and be as self-sufficient as I can.  Hopefully we can extend this into our garden over the next few years as well.  The lot next door to us still hasn't sold and I have this crazy dream that maybe if it doesn't sell by next year we could buy it and just make it into a really big garden... who knows.

... and that's all the time I have.

Well we might be buried under snow at the moment, but I'm thinking ahead to warmer days!  I literally have NO. SUMMER. CLOTHES.  None.  Last summer I was pregnant, the summer before that it was immediately post partum and I was much larger than I am now.  So where do I start?  I'm going to plan out my purchases because I think that the reason why I have ended up with so many clothes that I dislike is that they were bought without a plan.  A skirt that doesn't match anything is useless, and then I inevitably buy a shirt I don't really like just because it matches the skirt *sigh*  It's bad.

SO - here is what I think I need, I'm trying to be as pared down as I think I can manage with two active, messy boys to contend with.

- One summer pair of pjs (nursing friendly)

- 3 or 4 tank tops

- 3 or 4 t-shirts

- 2 long sleeve shirts

- 2 or 3 casual short skirts

- 1 pair of capris

- 1 cardigan

- 1 hoodie / fleece jacket

- 1 work outfit (thankfully I never see the same people twice so one is enough!)

-  1 sport pair of sandles

- 1 "dressy" pair of sandles

- 1 pair of runners (I loooooooooove my Sketchers but I think I'm beginning to wear them to death, and they're black, so not really summer friendly)

So hopefully I can manage to put together a cohesive wardrobe out of what I have on the list.  I want to establish a timeless wardrobe so that I'm not constantly hating it with each coming year because my clothes are out of style.  I truthfully don't even know where to start these days though, I don't know what stores I like!  I do love online shopping though :D  I'm going to scour the consignment stores once the spring stock comes in and hopefully snag some bargains!

... how I miss you!  It's funny how infants trick you - when they're first born if you're lucky there is a solid one to two weeks where all they do is sleep.  You nurse them and they lazily drift off at the breast... you hold them on your chest and they just collapse into you... you rock them and they snore peacefully.  And then, those babies get a little bit older and discover that they have this ability to SCREAM.  And so they do, over, and over, and over.

I know that I have been here once before.  While Tristan was a "good" baby, he had his share of complete meltdowns where nothing would satisfy him (of course Nick does not remember them, and consequently believes that Gabe is somehow dying because *gasp* he's a six week old baby that has the nerve to CRY).  Gabe is more colicky than some babies though, and it's wearing us down.

What is it about motherhood though that your child can be pushing you towards the deep end, and yet you will not let them go.  Despite everybody's best efforts to give me a break, I just cannot take it.  I know that he will scream if I'm gone, and while he might scream if I'm there, at least I feel in control of the situation.  Not being in control to calm and comfort my child seems like too frightening of a thought.

I'm going to try to accept some help today though.  My mom has generously offered to pick up the boys after work so that Nick and I can enjoy a quiet dinner together.  Now, does it make me odd that what I'm really looking forward to is catching up on laundry and decluttering my bedroom?  Oh yes folks, the romance is truly still alive around here LOL.

I've been thinking a lot lately about going vegetarian again.  I was a vegetarian for four years in my teens, and ultimately the only reason why I stopped was that I really didn't have time to cook for myself between athletics, work, and school.  Those restraints aren't on me now.... except now, I really really like meat.

For now I'm going to start experimenting and trying to incorporate more vegetarian meals into the family diet.  Nick will never go for being a vegetarian, and truthfully I have no interest in swearing off meat entirely either (I have had enough Christmas dinners without turkey, thank you very much).  My reasoning is mainly that it is so much easier to make healthier (and cheaper) choices as a vegetarian.

So tonight we are having an apple, onion, and cheese gratin for dinner with brussel sprouts and an herbed green salad.  YUM!

I am tired!  Comes with the territory I know, but I can't wait until the kids are old enough that I can go away for a night without them.  I have this fantasy of getting a hotel room downtown and ordering room service and going to the spa ALL BY MYSELF.  One thing that I have learned about being a mother (at least right now) is that there is no such thing as time to yourself.  There isn't enough time to spend with family and friends as it is, so if I can get away it's generally to spend time with them, not on my own.  The most alone time I get is in the car on the way to work.

Today I am going to try to be smart and nap while Tristan has a nap... that is if Gabe decides to cooperate with the plan.  I never followed the advice "sleep when the baby sleeps" with Tristan and I burnt out pretty quickly.  Hopefully I can be smarter this time around!

I'm very proud to say that I FINALLY got up the nerve to go through my books and declutter.  I tend to be a hoarder when it comes to books.  I'll buy them because they're on sale or have a pretty color, and then never even read them!  Now with two children I have to be realistic about the fact that sitting down to read a novel is near impossible.  I read a lot of non-fiction books, but never cover to cover, I just read the pages that interest me and move on.  So an hours worth of work and I have 82 books to take to Fairs Fair.  I'm going to try to be really disciplined and take the cash and not the credit... the last thing we need in this house is more books!

On another note I exchanged a couple of duplicate cookbooks I got for Christmas yesterday, and I am so happy I finally got the Alice Waters book I've been after "The Art of Simple Food" and it's fantastic!  And I snagged another Moosewood cookbook.  Yummy!

It was a whirlwind of a weekend around here, so I'm quite happy that today is Monday and we have absolutely no plans but to stay home curled up indoors.

It was a great family weekend though.  We went to the library and the science centre, Tristan got to see his nana, grandma, and grandpa, and I got to spend some time in Chapters and Michael's browsing with my mom.  All in all a fantastic way to spend a couple of days.

But, now it's Monday and I'm exhausted because Gabe has another cold and didn't sleep well last night.  I'm going to give myself a break and not try to be super mom today!  I'll do the laundry and keep the kitchen clean, and other than that I'm going to relax and enjoy my new stack of books, and maybe even get some cross stitching done while Tristan has his afternoon nap.  And I'm going to try not to feel guilty about it!

It's February!  One of things I'm attempting to do this year is to set some measurable goals for myself each month.  So for this month, here's what I'm aiming for:

- Declutter at least 50 items out of the house (hoping for more, but I'll aim low).  I'm going to focus on going through the toys again, and organizing the kitchen hutch

- Keep within spending budget

- Drive only 15 days this month

- No using credit cards!

- Limit eating out to twice

- Book at least 10 reviews

- Put an extra $150 into emergency fund savings

I'll keep y'all posted on how I'm doing!

So far today I took the kids out to a playgym this morning and stuck to the budget - go me!

I strayed a bit from the goal today - we turned on the tv.  After an exhausting day of trying to comfort a screaming newborn and a toddler hell bent on tearing the house apart, I turned on "Backyardigans" so that I could finish getting dinner together before Nick got home.  And then after dinner we cheated and watched "Colin & Justin's Home Heist"... but I swear that was it!  Tomorrow we'll be back on track, I hope.

This whole "not spending money unnecessarily" thing kind of sucks too.  Now I know that I can curb this addiction, everything just takes time.  I kicked my once a day Starbucks habit, my addiction to buying designer clothes & shoes, and to eating out constantly.... I can kick the urge to spend frivolously as well, but it's boring.  I've been looking into Montessori schools for Tristan, which led me to finding all these super cool Montessori toys, which made me think of how I would be such a better mother if Tristan had all of these super cool toys rather than all of the plastic mass manufactured crap he does have.  I'm exaggerating though, as he has lots of great wooden toys because that is generally what I buy him... the fact is he genuinely prefers the plastic toys because all of his cars are plastic, and cars are his favorite thing in the world right now.  He stares excitedly out the window shouting, "A car!  A car!" for much of the day, such a boy.  Anyway, I digress.  I really hope that one day I can get over thinking that stuff is going to fulfill some need in me and make me a better person.

Although a new wardrobe right now would make me a better LOOKING person.... not the point, I know.